I hate phones. I hate not being able to see the person I’m talking to. It’s very difficult for me to speak to someone without being able to read their body language and facial expression. Communication through text works fine (hence my sending of 285 texts a month from my cell phone), but unless it’s with a trusted friend or relative, hearing a voice but not seeing a face just freaks me out. In recent years it’s gotten better, but there’s still a lot of discomfort between me and phones.

So until today, I made all of my appointments with Health Services in person. This annoyed the crap out of them. I didn’t really get why. I wasn’t walking in expecting to be seen right away; I was walking in to make an appointment, with every intention of returning at a later time to talk to a health care professional.

When I lived in Roberts and Pine Dale, walking over to the Health Services building was convenient. Now that I live in the Dell… not so much.

So today, since my brand-new ear infection is becoming intolerable, I decided to make another Health Services appointment. And I decided to do it by phone.

It took me fifteen minutes to work up the courage to call, and another five to decide whether to use the land line or my cell phone. I finally decided on my cell phone and dialed 508 999 8982. After approximately five million rings, it rolled over to voicemail and a pleasant voice offered me several other numbers I could dial if I needed to be seen immediately.

Voicemail is just as terrifying as a phone call, perhaps even moreso. So I decided to try the other number to see if I could get a real person on the line. I dialed 508 999 6641 and waited. Again, five million rings before voicemail, where an angry voice informed me to LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE TONE. And then there was a tone. And then I nearly pooped myself in fear.

So, yeah, I didn’t leave any messages. Sorry, Health Services. Maybe if I could make my appointment with an actual human being over the phone, I wouldn’t be stopping by your office later today to make one in person. Toodles.

You might have noticed that the members of Pride Alliance were tabling in the Campus Center today. If you’d stopped and looked at the papers they’d hung up, you would have found out that today is the Transgender Day of Remembrance.

The Transgender Day of Remembrance is held every year on November 20th to memorialize the non-cisgendered people who were murdered for no good reason in the past year.

It’s a lengthy list. To read it in its entirety, click here: http://www.transgenderdor.org/?page_id=555

You’ll notice that most of the murders were violent, many extraordinarily so, with the victims being stabbed upwards of twenty times.

These murders happen all over the world, in Brazil, Mexico, Italy, and our own United States. And these are just the recorded ones. How many people lie dead in unmarked graves just because they dressed and acted differently than others thought they ought to?

So today, I ask you to take a moment and remember those who have died senselessly and needlessly as a result of the blind hatred of others.

Hey kids, it’s time for another episode of GOOD NEWS! Where we point out good things happening in the world.

Today, I would like to tell you about exciting scientific advancements being made in the field of penile tissue replacement.

http://www.newswise.com/articles/view/558223/?sc=dwhr;xy=5028683

The current experiment is only on rabbits, but this means that in the FUTURE, men who experience penile trauma can have their organs restored to full capacity.

Yay, science!

Hey kids, it’s time for another episode of GOOD NEWS! Where we point out good things happening in the world

First up: no more overdraft fees!

http://www.cnbc.com/id/33888957

Yes, the federal government has banned banks from charging you for not having enough money. The rules don’t go into effect until July, but I’m still psyched. I’ve had friends almost get kicked out of their houses over overdraft fees.

I’ve told you my good news. Now tell me yours!

Hello kids, Henry here. In our last installment, I talked about Tales of Symphonia. Since then I have beaten the game twice and decided that I am not allowed to play it again for at least another year. Instead, I am playing American McGee’s Alice.

For those of you who don’t know, American McGee’s Alice is basically a Gothic re-imagining of the story of Alice in Wonderland. It’s a platforming action/adventure thing released about a billion years ago for PC and Mac.

Before I tell you about the game, I have a story to tell you about how I got the game.

I was lying in the stairwell, minding my own business, when my roommate mentioned off-handedly that she had a copy of the game. None of my spooky friends have shut up about it since it came out, so I was really excited about the opportunity to play it. So excited, in fact, that I decided I had to get down the stairs and to this game as quickly as possible. Since I was already in the lying-down position, it seemed like the fastest way to go would be face-first.

About halfway down the stairs, I realized that going downstairs face-first was a really stupid idea, so I tried to turn myself around before I hit the bottom. I very nearly succeeded, but instead of landing on my feet, I landed on my lower back. It made a very loud THUD and filled my mouth with a coppery taste and blurred my vision for a bit. Now I have stabbing lower-back pains whenever I sit, stand, or lie down. But considering that it’s a result of my own blinding stupidity, I can’t really complain too much.

And now, the game!

Alice opens with the titular character asleep in her bed. A cat knocks over a lamp, and her house is suddenly aflame. Lots of screaming ensues, and then we see Alice again, asleep in a different bed, only this one is in an insane asylum. A nurse tucks a stuffed rabbit into Alice’s arms and she wakes up a bit, snuggling the bunny, at which point the bunny shrieks, “SAVE US, ALICE.”

So begins our descent into Alice’s nightmare.

The first thing that struck me about the game was how old it looks. It’s really funny to read reviews of it now, since most of them praise the graphics. Compared to today’s high-definition hyper-realistic gaming, Alice falls flat on its face. Graphic quality overall could be compared to Super Mario 64.

As for gameplay, the controls handle as though one is sledding downhill while drunk. Even without that, the game is really, really hard, with no in-game tutorial to tell you how to move. I had to look up the controls online, only to find out that I struggled through the first level because the game hadn’t bothered to tell me what button to use to climb. (It is the ENTER key.) And even after knowing how to make Alice move around, her weapons are so weak, her health bar so small, and her enemies so numerous as to make the game nigh impossible.

Story is another area where the game is supposed to shine, but the problem is that most of the game’s story is told from a booklet that comes with the game. I do not have said booklet. So, yeah, no story for me.

So why am I playing this?

1.) To justify the aforementioned stabbing lower back pain.

2.) To increase my Goth street cred.

3.) The Cheshire Cat. Oh, the Cheshire Cat.

For those of you who know Bruce Maddocks, imagine playing a game where you hear his voice telling you creepy riddles throughout. For those of you who do not know Bruce Maddocks, imagine Stephen Fry, Tim Curry, or some other celebrity whose voice is known to make grown men weep with joy. The Cheshire Cat’s dialogue and voice acting are absolutely divine. Alice’s VA is passable, everyone else’s is painful, but the Cheshire Cat is a perfect delight.

previous parts:

http://www.umasstorch.com/blog/2009/09/26/games-youve-never-heard-of/

http://www.umasstorch.com/blog/2009/09/29/games-youve-never-heard-of-part-two/

http://www.umasstorch.com/blog/2009/10/07/games-youve-never-heard-of-part-three/

Hey all, Henry here. Sometimes a Dilligaf strip doesn’t make it into the paper. Those poor, unwanted comics will instead be posted here as exclusive Torch blog content.

Now, why did this one get prematurely baleeted? Well, when I showed the completed strip to a friend of mine, she informed me that a very similar joke had been used in the movie Clerks 2. Very sad day.

Hey all, Henry here. Sometimes a Dilligaf strip doesn’t make it into the paper. Those poor, unwanted comics will instead be posted here as exclusive Torch blog content. So here’s the first one:

Why didn’t this go to press? Well, as you might have noticed… it’s not funny. Like, at all. It was HILARIOUS when I drew it, I assure you.

The joke is a pun on the word “denial” and the river “the Nile,” which is in Egypt. So if one is the Pharaoh of The Nile (denial), one is really good at pretending reality doesn’t exist.

As for the third panel, the plot of the old television series Yu-Gi-Oh is that the soul of an ancient Egyptian pharaoh is trapped in the body of a young boy from modern Japan, and they have to play card games to save the world.

Like I said, it really isn’t funny.

It also spawned a delightful conversation wherein I attempted to explain the plot of Yu-Gi-Oh to my good friend Kyle.

Kyle: So, he’s Egyptian…
me: Yes.
Kyle: …but he’s Japanese…
me: Yes.
Kyle: …but he’s Egyptian?
me: Yes.
Kyle’s brain: *explodes*

Woke up this morning to discover that my roomate’s fish had babies. At least ten little molly fry are swimming around the tank.

Video:

There was once a prince who acted strangely in that he thought life was stupid and it was for him so he made up a world in which he liked the things we like but he had different reasons why he liked them.

He liked butter for its color. He would order, “Toast with color.” Waitresses, confused, would utter, “Sir, I’ve never heard of ‘toast with color.’” He’d get angry and begin to choke them. The law would come and they’d arrest and book him. So his life was a mess of trouble. Still, he kept it up.

He had dogs, a hundred cocker spaniels, and he called them “panties” ’cause they did that mostly. And he did not care at all if they would bark and fetch sticks, run and jump, roll over, and play dead tricks. No, he liked them only for their panting. So he would run them ragged but one day they got fed up and chased the prince right up against the fence and the prince was eaten by his panties.

It is my face, using old photos.

I sat down to do my art history essay, and instead I made an animated .gif in Photoshop. FML