Well you’re in luck, because over the course of the summer, I will be uploading the entire DILLIGAF archives to this site. Comics dating from 2007 to now. That’s a lot of DILLIGAF, all for you, all for free. Enjoy.

Why this won’t be in the paper:
1) It’s not that funny.
2) It’s about something no one cares about.

Previous Discarded Dilligafs:

Discarded Dilligaf #1
Discarded Dilligaf #2
Discarded Dilligaf #3

Why I made this comic:
I felt that the INTRICATE BACKSTORY of comic strip characters needed to be told.

Why it won’t be appearing in the Torch:
Because it’s not very funny.

Discarded Dilligaf #1
Discarded Dilligaf #2

Now, why did this one get prematurely baleeted? Well, when I showed the completed strip to a friend of mine, she informed me that a very similar joke had been used in the movie Clerks 2. Very sad day.

Why didn’t this go to press? Well, as you might have noticed… it’s not funny. Like, at all. It was HILARIOUS when I drew it, I assure you.

The joke is a pun on the word “denial” and the river “the Nile,” which is in Egypt. So if one is the Pharaoh of The Nile (denial), one is really good at pretending reality doesn’t exist.

As for the third panel, the plot of the old television series Yu-Gi-Oh is that the soul of an ancient Egyptian pharaoh is trapped in the body of a young boy from modern Japan, and they have to play card games to save the world.

Like I said, it really isn’t funny.

It also spawned a delightful conversation wherein I attempted to explain the plot of Yu-Gi-Oh to my good friend Kyle.

Kyle: So, he’s Egyptian…
me: Yes.
Kyle: …but he’s Japanese…
me: Yes.
Kyle: …but he’s Egyptian?
me: Yes.
Kyle’s brain: *explodes*

I would like to take this moment to point out that the artistic masters of the Italian Renaissance, producing near-photographic work on commission, and relying on scientific measurement and precision as opposed to “intuition,” have far more in common with today’s illustration majors than with any painting major.

I would also like to add my personal opinion and say that Norman Rockwell, a mere “unsophisticated” illustrator, was a far better painter than Jackson Pollock could ever have hoped to be. In addition, Aubrey Beardsley had far more artistic integrity than your precious Andy Warhol. And Alphonse Mucha could take on Picasso with his dominant hand tied behind his back.

Overall, I would say that the quiet, hard-working, incredibly driven illustration majors are more “sophisticated” than you paint-slinging, tabaret-uncleaning, studio-destroying painting majors ever will be.

So THERE.

Characters who were intended to be sidekicks but, through some author’s whimsy, become main characters, will always end up sucking.

Examples include Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean) and Drizzt do’Urden.

Can you think of any more? Or do you disagree entirely?

(See also – the “badass decay” article on TVtropes. I won’t link to it because I’m not evil. Also I have to go to class at some time today and cannot afford to lose four hours to the black hole of the internet.)

I’m always pleasantly surprised whenever someone comes up to me and tells me that DILLIGAF made them chuckle. I think this is partly because of the process that goes into making each strip.

FIRST, a funny thought must pop into my brain. This can happen anytime, anywhere.

SECOND, I have to write down said funny thought in at least three places, lest I forget it and spend the rest of my life lamenting the Comic that Never Was.

THIRD, I need to wait a day and re-read my funny thought to make sure it is still funny.

FOURTH, I need to re-tool the funny thought to make it funnier and/or coherent, then write it out in panels.

FIFTH, I need to draw stuff, often over and over again to get it right.

SIXTH, I scan it and edit it in Photoshop.

SEVENTH, I publish it in a seeeeecret location on the interwebs to test how funny strangers think it is.

EIGHTH, I send it off to the Torch server so it can actually get printed.

Throughout this process, I read through the same comic over and over again, upwards of ten times. Repetition makes things lose their funny (kind of like overused memes on DartChan, oh yes I went there). So, by the time the comic actually gets printed in the Torch, I’ve pretty much convinced myself that it is the least hilarious thing in the universe.

So, in conclusion, thanks to all you guys who remind me from time to time that every once in a while, I am amusing. You make me feel all warm and fuzzy and stuff.

ALSO! If you would like to submit your own comic to the Torch, just email it to me at jhenry at umassd dot edu. (High-resolution files are best for printing. All comics are black-and-white.)