Hello kids, Henry here. In our last installment, I talked about Tales of Symphonia. Since then I have beaten the game twice and decided that I am not allowed to play it again for at least another year. Instead, I am playing American McGee’s Alice.

For those of you who don’t know, American McGee’s Alice is basically a Gothic re-imagining of the story of Alice in Wonderland. It’s a platforming action/adventure thing released about a billion years ago for PC and Mac.

Before I tell you about the game, I have a story to tell you about how I got the game.

I was lying in the stairwell, minding my own business, when my roommate mentioned off-handedly that she had a copy of the game. None of my spooky friends have shut up about it since it came out, so I was really excited about the opportunity to play it. So excited, in fact, that I decided I had to get down the stairs and to this game as quickly as possible. Since I was already in the lying-down position, it seemed like the fastest way to go would be face-first.

About halfway down the stairs, I realized that going downstairs face-first was a really stupid idea, so I tried to turn myself around before I hit the bottom. I very nearly succeeded, but instead of landing on my feet, I landed on my lower back. It made a very loud THUD and filled my mouth with a coppery taste and blurred my vision for a bit. Now I have stabbing lower-back pains whenever I sit, stand, or lie down. But considering that it’s a result of my own blinding stupidity, I can’t really complain too much.

And now, the game!

Alice opens with the titular character asleep in her bed. A cat knocks over a lamp, and her house is suddenly aflame. Lots of screaming ensues, and then we see Alice again, asleep in a different bed, only this one is in an insane asylum. A nurse tucks a stuffed rabbit into Alice’s arms and she wakes up a bit, snuggling the bunny, at which point the bunny shrieks, “SAVE US, ALICE.”

So begins our descent into Alice’s nightmare.

The first thing that struck me about the game was how old it looks. It’s really funny to read reviews of it now, since most of them praise the graphics. Compared to today’s high-definition hyper-realistic gaming, Alice falls flat on its face. Graphic quality overall could be compared to Super Mario 64.

As for gameplay, the controls handle as though one is sledding downhill while drunk. Even without that, the game is really, really hard, with no in-game tutorial to tell you how to move. I had to look up the controls online, only to find out that I struggled through the first level because the game hadn’t bothered to tell me what button to use to climb. (It is the ENTER key.) And even after knowing how to make Alice move around, her weapons are so weak, her health bar so small, and her enemies so numerous as to make the game nigh impossible.

Story is another area where the game is supposed to shine, but the problem is that most of the game’s story is told from a booklet that comes with the game. I do not have said booklet. So, yeah, no story for me.

So why am I playing this?

1.) To justify the aforementioned stabbing lower back pain.

2.) To increase my Goth street cred.

3.) The Cheshire Cat. Oh, the Cheshire Cat.

For those of you who know Bruce Maddocks, imagine playing a game where you hear his voice telling you creepy riddles throughout. For those of you who do not know Bruce Maddocks, imagine Stephen Fry, Tim Curry, or some other celebrity whose voice is known to make grown men weep with joy. The Cheshire Cat’s dialogue and voice acting are absolutely divine. Alice’s VA is passable, everyone else’s is painful, but the Cheshire Cat is a perfect delight.

previous parts:

http://www.umasstorch.com/blog/2009/09/26/games-youve-never-heard-of/

http://www.umasstorch.com/blog/2009/09/29/games-youve-never-heard-of-part-two/

http://www.umasstorch.com/blog/2009/10/07/games-youve-never-heard-of-part-three/

Hey all, Henry here. Sometimes a Dilligaf strip doesn’t make it into the paper. Those poor, unwanted comics will instead be posted here as exclusive Torch blog content.

Now, why did this one get prematurely baleeted? Well, when I showed the completed strip to a friend of mine, she informed me that a very similar joke had been used in the movie Clerks 2. Very sad day.

Hey all, Henry here. Sometimes a Dilligaf strip doesn’t make it into the paper. Those poor, unwanted comics will instead be posted here as exclusive Torch blog content. So here’s the first one:

Why didn’t this go to press? Well, as you might have noticed… it’s not funny. Like, at all. It was HILARIOUS when I drew it, I assure you.

The joke is a pun on the word “denial” and the river “the Nile,” which is in Egypt. So if one is the Pharaoh of The Nile (denial), one is really good at pretending reality doesn’t exist.

As for the third panel, the plot of the old television series Yu-Gi-Oh is that the soul of an ancient Egyptian pharaoh is trapped in the body of a young boy from modern Japan, and they have to play card games to save the world.

Like I said, it really isn’t funny.

It also spawned a delightful conversation wherein I attempted to explain the plot of Yu-Gi-Oh to my good friend Kyle.

Kyle: So, he’s Egyptian…
me: Yes.
Kyle: …but he’s Japanese…
me: Yes.
Kyle: …but he’s Egyptian?
me: Yes.
Kyle’s brain: *explodes*

Woke up this morning to discover that my roomate’s fish had babies. At least ten little molly fry are swimming around the tank.

Video:

There was once a prince who acted strangely in that he thought life was stupid and it was for him so he made up a world in which he liked the things we like but he had different reasons why he liked them.

He liked butter for its color. He would order, “Toast with color.” Waitresses, confused, would utter, “Sir, I’ve never heard of ‘toast with color.’” He’d get angry and begin to choke them. The law would come and they’d arrest and book him. So his life was a mess of trouble. Still, he kept it up.

He had dogs, a hundred cocker spaniels, and he called them “panties” ’cause they did that mostly. And he did not care at all if they would bark and fetch sticks, run and jump, roll over, and play dead tricks. No, he liked them only for their panting. So he would run them ragged but one day they got fed up and chased the prince right up against the fence and the prince was eaten by his panties.

It is my face, using old photos.

I sat down to do my art history essay, and instead I made an animated .gif in Photoshop. FML

You know what would be awesome?

If the Dart Van drivers knew where the hell the CVPA was.

That would be awesome.

No, seriously, we asked one to take us to the CVPA and he took us to the library.

“CVPA?” we repeated.

“Yeah, the library,” he said, gesturing for us to exit his vehicle.

“Group 6?” we said, thinking perhaps he knew it by another name.

“This is it,” he said, pointing at the library like we were the stupid ones.

Finally we gave up and shrugged and walked the rest of the way to the CVPA.

But yeah, seriously defeats the purpose of taking the Dart Van in the first place.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/devon/8300451.stm

Summary: Guy in Britain helps the police identify a rapist and gets reward money for it. Instead of keeping the money for himself, he gives it to the rapist’s victim to help her rebuild her life.

Personally, he’s my hero of the week. You go, British guy.

College dating – it’s an interesting topic. I’ve noticed five major types of college daters over the years:

1. The happily tied-down individual with a sweetheart/significant other – they do everything together;
2. The swinging single  (includes intense cheaters) who is out on the prowl (yes,  just wants to bang, bang, bang);
3. The lonely soul who just wants to find love (or perhaps sex);
4. The recent break-up victim who constantly hooks-up to feel desirable again, but just can’t let go;
5. And the virgin. Enough said.

What type of college dater are you, or have you been? Some of us have been more than one of the above. Are there other types of daters out there? If so, please describe them.

If you are trying to switch from one type to another, say #5 to #2, here’s what most do but shouldn’t do:
Get wicked drunk and hit on a girl who is completely trashed. Drinking definitely takes some of the edge off, eliminates some of those nerves, but this is not the right choice, even if the sex has potential to feel awesome. Why? Because of that slippery word “consent.” If the girl is hammered and she doesn’t consent, it’s rape. Even if she seems totally into it, she can charge you with rape (or vice versa, because girls can rape guys, too). Or perhaps she does consent, but then she regrets in the next morning – then what happens? Sexual assault is a huge obstacle when drunk sex occurs.
Try asking for consent if this is the case; don’t be embarassed. It will work out for the better this way – whether you get laid or not.

Although it does not seem to happen a lot, you should try to meet a girl or guy the old fashioned – maybe high school – way. Approach that person, face-t0-face, or with a friend as support, and just introduce yourself. Use observation to strike up a conversation that does not seem intruding. The worse that can happen – rejection. And then you just get over it because you didn’t know the person that well in the first place.
Here’s some ways to casually converse…
1. If the person is wearing a sports jersey, you can comment on a recent or upcoming game, or the player whose jersey is being sported;
2. If you have mutual friends but haven’t been introduced, use that pathway;
3. If you’re in line at Res you can comment on how terrible the food is – or perhaps it’s good that day!;
4. If you have class with that person, bingo, talk about a past or upcoming test, assignment, etc.;
5. If you’re at the gym – tread lightly as some people prefer not to be bothered when they’re in the zone – you can talk about a work-out, ask what that person suggests for daily cardio, or even let that person have a drink at the water fountain before you (who says chivalry doesn’t work?).
 
Obviously there are hundreds of more ways to introduce yourself to someone. What are your suggestions? What has worked for you and what has failed? Share your stories, and your tips!

A suggestion I have for you, after ruminating all my failures, once you find out the person’s name, check if that person is in a relationship – you can do this on Facebook without being creepy, in case you’re too shy to ask. I’ve had plenty of guys introduce themselves to me, and a few cute ones, so I’d think of them as a potential date or hook-up. Come to find out, after being added on Facebook by them or scoping out their page, they’re in a relationship. Save yourself the embarassment of putting forth too much effort -

Good luck!

Love, Shara Marie

A painting major who shall go unnamed recently called the entire illustration major “unsophisticated.”

I would like to take this moment to point out that the artistic masters of the Italian Renaissance, producing near-photographic work on commission, and relying on scientific measurement and precision as opposed to “intuition,” have far more in common with today’s illustration majors than with any painting major.

I would also like to add my personal opinion and say that Norman Rockwell, a mere “unsophisticated” illustrator, was a far better painter than Jackson Pollock could ever have hoped to be. In addition, Aubrey Beardsley had far more artistic integrity than your precious Andy Warhol. And Alphonse Mucha could take on Picasso with his dominant hand tied behind his back.

Overall, I would say that the quiet, hard-working, incredibly driven illustration majors are more “sophisticated” than you paint-slinging, tabaret-uncleaning, studio-destroying painting majors ever will be.

So THERE.