Dog Fighting
Watching the teevee with my roommate this morning, I saw a report on dog-fighting. It covered a variety of related topics, including Vick’s recent arrest and current public-speaking circuit, and a man whose pit bull puppy was kidnapped out of his back yard and had her tiny puppy hip shattered so she would make a good training kill for a fighting dog. The whole segment lasted about ten minutes or so, during which I saw dog after dog in horrible states of abuse and neglect, and several dozen different men laughing, joking, and making an enormous profit off of their favorite “sport.”
After this report, I decided to invent a new sport. I call it “manfighting.”
You take two men convicted of dog fighting. You starve them for about a week, give each of them a plank of wood with a rusty nail in it, set them both loose in an inescapable pit, and tell each man that if he kills the other man, he gets to live. This is a lie, of course. The loser dies, and the winner is sent on to fight another man, and another, and another, on and on until the day that he finally succumbs to the violence of the ring.
Some of you might think this is cruel. I assure you that “manfighting” is quite humane compared to what some people in third-world countries endure. And when he’s not in the ring, my fighting man will get lots of treats and exercise and be told that he is a good boy while I pat him on the head… just before I shove him into another ring to be savagely beaten, from which he may or may not emerge victorious.
I’m going to make millions.